When I turned 24, my girlfriends threw me a surprise party. It was my "golden" birthday. Matt, his best friend, and two of my best friends were up after everyone else had gone to sleep, blasting 50 Cent, and doing keg stands. Please keep in mind that since it was my 24th birthday, Matt was 19 and in college. Not only did he convince my girlfriends to do keg stands, but he also made out with one of them, and made sure that the other one drank so much that she peed in her pants. That's just the kind of guy he was.
Last year however, was different. My husband was turning 30 and I was having a party for him. A week beforehand, Matt texted me that he couldn't wait for the "hang out". He said that he wanted us all to be together, dance, and have a great time. He said he would be home from law school for the party. For some reason, I never told Jer that Matt said he was coming. I knew it wasn't going to happen, and I didn't want Jeremiah to be disappointed. I was right, Matt didn't come.
Shortly thereafter, he was home from law school. It was my birthday, but he had come home for other reasons. We stood together in church on the morning of my 32nd birthday, Matt with his arm around me, tightly gripping my shoulder, both of us crying together. We were scared for what the next months would hold as Matt was going away to start his recovery. We were both frightened. The days that followed were even more frightening.
My birthday won't ever be the same. It won't ever be the same, not because I will always remember the trauma of 2013. That will fade with time. It won't ever be the same because my life-of-the-party, darling, handsome, ridiculous brother won't be there.
Christmas will never be the same. Matt won't be there to make everyone inspect how perfectly his corners are folded on the packages he wrapped. He won't be there to eat all of the mini egg rolls that we don't need to make anymore because no one really liked them but him. On Christmas Eve, he won't be in church to sing the repeat verses in his beautiful, low baritone in "Joy to the World".
Repeat the sounding joy (cue Matt) REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY. Jeremiah and Colleen were brave enough to do it for us this year.
Easter will never be the same. We have a blue wicker basket that won't sit next to the rainbow basket and pink basket. The PGA golf tournament won't be on the from the second we return home from church. We won't be hungover on Easter morning because we were all up late on Easter Saturday playing bags in his best friend's barn.
Thanksgiving will never be the same. Who will pick at the turkey before dinner and complain that there are lumps in the potatoes? Our Home Alone while we eat our pie tradition can't happen because Macauley Culkin looks exactly like Matt did when he was little.
The 4th of July will never be the same. Every year, an argument ensues when my dad realizes that his firework stash has been compromised. Every year he blames Matt, justifiably so. No one will have stolen his fireworks this year.
Dance parties won't be the same. Cubs games, movie nights, basketball games, bowling nights, golf outings, listening to Dave Matthews Band and Michael Jackson, family vacations, skiing, and dinner on the back porch will never be the same.
These things will never be the same, but I am told that does not mean that they will always be painful.
This year, there will be large part of my birthday that is painful. I won't have a silly, singing card from my brother, or a goofy voicemail from him with a sweet, "I love you sis," at the end. That is painful.
I don't think there will ever be a birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or Halloween, or any holiday that I don't wish he were here.
As I try to stay hopeful, and not lose faith in God's plan, I have to end with this thought;
In heaven, every day is a holiday. Every minute, you are celebrating your birth, Christmas trees sparkle endlessly, and Cadbury eggs are always in season. You celebrate your thanks for God's blessings every day, not only on the third Thursday in November. And for now, a blessing that I give thanks for is this...even though Matt isn't here to celebrate my 33rd birthday with me, he is safe, at home, and with God.
It will never be the same, but day by day, God is making it peaceful.
My 30th Birthday. Matt and Jer both loved to see who could make the most ridiculous faces in pictures. Here is a perfect example.
Definitely one of the best parties I've ever attended, made even better by Matt's attendance! Really beautiful, Julia!
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