In the summer of 2016, I attended the She Speaks Conference in North Carolina. This is a conference for Christian women writers and speakers and is a weekend full of inspiration for those of us who love the written word. It was my second time attending the conference, a gift once again from my parents, who encourage me in my love for writing in any way in which they can.
Last summer, I was still in the throes of fertility treatment, healing after a devastating loss that occurred in the spring, and also going through trial cycles in an attempt to find my perfect implantation date. To put it simply, I was taking fertility drugs and undergoing biopsies of my uterus to find the date, down to a 12-hour window, that would be the optimal time to implant my frozen embryos. It was a challenging time because not only was my body healing from a loss, it was also on a hormonal roller coaster created by fertility drugs, without the actual hope of a pregnancy waiting at the end. To put it simply, it sucked.
I was trying to stay positive, hopeful, and trust in God's timing, but it was most certainly a challenging time.
Challenging times in your personal life are also the PERFECT times to attend a conference for Christian women, regardless of the topic.
During one of the seminars I sat in on, a woman named Wendy Blight spoke. Wendy is a well-known Christian speaker, writer, and teacher. I know she was wonderful to listen to, but in all honesty, I cannot remember the topic of her session. I know that I gained insight and wisdom and that I earnestly took detailed and thorough notes. I can't remember what her topic was because the way she ended her hour-long session was so moving to me, it erased all other information I could have gleaned from her.
As she finished her lecture, Wendy invited each woman in the room to stand in line and wait to be anointed by her, or one of her assistants. I had never been anointed by anyone before, but it sounded interesting, and so I decided I would wait in the line for this holy ritual. She told us the anointing would be accompanied with a single word. Her hope was that the Holy Spirit would give her a word that would mean something to the ears upon which it fell.
When I reached the front of the room, Wendy was miraculously the woman who was available to anoint me. She was even more lovely up close than she was when speaking on stage. She exuded peace and maturity. I was in awe.
She gently put the oil on my head and then placed her hands on my shoulders. She closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them and looked right at me.
"Your word is yes," she said to me. "I'm not sure why, but it is yes."
"Thank you," I whispered.
I walked away feeling slightly stunned.
For three years, God's answer to me had been NO.
NO, your brother is safer with me than with you.
NO, that is not your cycle.
NO, that is not your implantation date.
NO, that is not your baby.
God's NO had been ringing loud and clear through a season that felt never-ending. Dare I hope that Wendy's yes was finally an answer to our prayers for a baby?
I left the conference that evening tired, overwhelmed, excited by all that I had learned, but most importantly with a glimmer of hope in my broken heart.
From that weekend in late July of 2016 until early November, I held tight to the yes that Wendy had shared with me. I held onto it for one more trial cycle in late August, as we grieved the third anniversary of my brother's death in October, as I waited for my body to rebound and respond to the absence of fertility drugs and then again as we re-introduced them in preparation for another embryo transfer, and as we sat across from my fertility nurse and signed papers one more time indicating our desire to thaw and transfer two embryos at the proper date.
Through physical and emotional trials of that late summer and fall, I clung to the hope and a simple word that a fellow Christian woman had shared with me. Yes.
On a cold and snowy morning in November, I heard a loud and resounding YES as I took a home pregnancy test. Two days later, my blood pregnancy test confirmed the positive result, and a week after that a fetal pole with a heartbeat soothed my anxious mind. We were pregnant and our baby would come in late July of 2017.
He is here. I have a son. He is sleeping peacefully in his crib upstairs, wrapped tightly in his favorite blanket, sucking contentedly on his pacifier with a puppy attached to it my husband has named Walter. He has eaten twice and successfully this morning, smiled and cooed, grabbed at my glasses and his rattle, and endured the required tummy time. He is meeting milestones every day, and each one is a little miracle to his mom. The house is quiet and I can hear children playing happily at the school down the street. Someday, God willing, my boy will join them.
God said yes to us at the perfect time. As I look back on the past three years, the grief, the trials, the unknown and the fear for my future, I see exactly why He waited to say yes. There was a time when I wasn't truly ready to be a mom. There was a time when my family was not ready for joy, we were still too far in the depths of grief. There was a time when my marriage was not ready. There were times when my body, my career, or mind were not ready. God knew all of that and when I was banging my head against the wall, not trusting Him, he endured my anger and my frustration. He loved me regardless of my unbelief.
God will say yes to what is best for us when it is best for us.
He will not say yes to us falling into depression.
He will not say yes to us succumbing to addiction.
He will not say yes to us hurting those we love.
He will not say yes to purposeful financial negligence.
He will not say yes to us sabotaging our marriage.
He will not say yes to us falling to sin.
He will not say yes to self-destruction.
Sometimes, we have to get our life in order for a yes. Sometimes, we are not in the right mental, physical, financial, or relational place for that yes. Sometimes we are, and it is still a NO. This I know....there is a reason for that NO, and we might not understand it until we meet God.
In my season of joy, this truth is more palatable. I know that when I am next in a season of trial, and there will certainly be one, I will have to reread my words to remind myself that God is faithful and all-knowing of what is best for me.
The peace that comes after enduring a season of grief is far greater than the peace that comes from a period of joy.
This peace is a relinquishment of control over our lives. It is the knowledge that we can endure but we may have to wait patiently. However our prayer is answered, it is with our best interests at heart. Whether God's answer is a yes, a no, not yet, or when you are ready, have faith in the final outcome given by the ultimate provider. And when the answer is a long-awaited yes, it will be oh-so-sweet.
Sleeping sweetly in his crib upstairs is my best yes......One year, one month, and 25 days after Wendy's gift.
