My Before and After Life

Since I have lost my brother, I have had a very hard time putting my life into context.  Where am I now?  What am I doing with myself?  How do I fit into this world that is moving forward, yet I am frozen.  I am literally frozen.

Ironically, my outside world actually is frozen.  The cold and snow are greater than they have been in years.  It does not stop snowing.  I love it.  Every time the snow starts to fall, or the temperatures drop to dangerous lows, or the icicles on my eves grow longer,  I am reminded of God's power over this world.  Is it inconvenient?  Yes.  Do I have control over it?  No.  I think this is the most magical winter I have ever experienced.

Beyond the feeling of God's power in this winter, Matt loved the snow.  Needless to say, this winter makes me feel close to my brother.

On New Year's Day after walking the dog (Leo), I impulsively laid down in my yard and made a snow angel.  I looked up into the trees and saw the flakes lightly falling down to kiss my face.  It was sunset, and the world was quiet.  The look and the peace of the moment made me feel that the flakes were coming directly to me from heaven, where Matthew most certainly is.

This winter is so magical, and so majestic and so powerful that I do not want it to end.  I am afraid of the spring coming; hence my earlier statement that I am "frozen".  If the spring comes, then the world truly is moving forward and I am afraid that I am not.

Maybe only people who have experienced intense grief can understand me saying that I am afraid of spring coming.  I know that sounds absolutely insane.  Spring is beautiful and happy and we Chicagoans are always ready for it.  But I am not.

I will have to get ready for it because it will come whether I want it to or not.  Yesterday, the groundhog told me that I have six more weeks to prepare myself for this, so I will try.

For now, though I am certainly frozen.  My counselor told me that I will begin to view my life as "before" and "after".  I will now have a "before and after life".  Before my family was whole, now we are...well, we are frozen...much like this winter of 2014.

When I am ready for the "after" part, we will take a family picture again.  For now, this picture is my "before" family.

A good friend said to me, "Julia, I truly believe that joy follows pain."

I believe we will have joy again.  I truly do.  It will just take time.  "After" will come.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18