Dear Matt,
In two days, it will be one year that we have been without you. It is devastating to think back and reflect on this past year. I wish that I could say that I have grown so much, I'm peaceful, I know that God's plan had a purpose and I am OK with that, or that beauty has come from our grief. Today, my heart is still broken.
When you left for rehab, I wrote you emails, knowing that you couldn't see them. I titled them "Day 1 Without You" and so on. The reality is that today is "Day 363 Without You" and we are not driving to Michigan to to pick you up from a crappy run-down rehab facility where you were only gone for six weeks. You won't be waiting for us in your checkered shirt with a bandana tied around your head and your suitcase packed. You are staying in Heaven and someday it will be "Day 3, 567 Without You".
I'm not mad at you, but I am mad. I'm mad that there are sisters who love their brothers less and they get to keep them. Why couldn't Colleen and I keep you? We adored you. Every moment that the three of us, and then Jer too, had...we had so much love. We laughed so hard.
Sometimes, there are moments where I can see you so clearly with me. A month ago we were at the race track. I don't think you and I ever went together, but there were tons of young guys there your age. I found myself standing in the middle of the crowd, staring off into the mass of people, wishing that I would see you walking towards me. I could see you with your hat backwards, your big toothy smile, your huge hands with a rubber band always on your wrist, your flip flops, I could hear your loud voice. Any minute you were going to walk out of the bathroom and up to counter to place your bet on the next race. But then I remembered.
Two weeks ago we were at a wedding. The bride's brothers were on the limo with us. One of them was about your height, cute, funny, playing the DJ, making jokes...I couldn't look at him. It hurt too much knowing that she had her brother and I didn't have mine.
Is there ever going to be a wedding that I go to that I don't flash back to you on the dance floor at mine? Will I always feel a pain when I see a young, handsome kid your age? I sure wish you didn't look like a white LeBron, because every time his damn commercial comes on I feel like crying. Basketball hurts. Rap is painful. Taco Bell's make me want to pull over and see if you're there.
Here's the craziest thing of all; I'm starting to see you in Mom, Dad, and Colleen. When Dad is being thoughtful and smart, I see you. When Mom is being cute and funny and entertaining, I see you. When Colleen is talking about some weird show or joke that I don't get, I see you. Being around Jer and your friends, you are there in each of them. Maybe God is giving me glimpses of you so that I don't miss you so much. But it actually makes me miss you more.
Matt, I love you so much. I miss you. I'd give anything to hug you one more time, to tell you how sorry I am that I fought with you over your addiction. I was always proud of you, even in the middle of the crap. I'd give anything to smack you across the face for scaring us so badly. I'd give anything to hear you laugh, or to have you here with us at the dinner table.
The last time we talked, I told you that I loved you so much, to a fault. I told you to never scare me again. You promised you wouldn't. But you did Matt. You left, but you promised you were clean, and healthy, and you would never leave. You broke my heart. You broke mom's more. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I'm just so, so sad.
I know you didn't leave me for good. I know I will see you in Heaven. That seems so far away. Please visit me in my dreams. Please tell God to cover us with His peace. Please also ask God to send me and Jer a baby, maybe two. I mean, you're right there...
Please just know how much I love you and miss you. Please know.
I love you,
Jules
