A Different Kind of Thanks

The week leading up to Thanksgiving was filled with reminders to give thanks in all circumstances. Commercials filled the TV screen with families surrounded with bounty, friends and co-workers talked excitedly about their upcoming holiday plans, and my devotional each morning focused on always having a grateful heart.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." - Psalm 118:1

These verses, along with a barrage of others and wisdom shared by the talented Christian writers of my daily readings filled my mind, but not my heart as we approached another holiday without Matt, new babies, or even the peace that we have so desperately sought out this past year.

I asked myself,  "How is it possible that thirteen months have passed, and life still seems so very much the same?"  

On a hiatus from fertility treatment until January, because we have sought a new doctor's opinion has given me relief from the daily monitoring, hormones, incessant phone calls with updates from nurses, days off from school to sit for hours in the doctor's waiting room, emotional highs and lows, a bruised stomach from needles, and a bruised spirit from heartbreak.  No babies have yet come from this journey.

Thirteen months later and it is still very much apparent that Matt is missing.  He didn't come home from law school Wednesday afternoon to meet us in the family room, to wrestle with the dogs, and to regale us with stories of his days away from us.  When I made the mashed potatoes this year, they were smashed because Matt wasn't there to harass me into whipping them perfectly smooth.

In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I felt that our life was still very much the same, in a place that I would not choose it to be.

The miracle therein lies, that on Thanksgiving Day, my family was able to laugh, give thanks, celebrate, love, and cling to one another in joy.

Thanksgiving Day brought sunshine, intermixed with snow. The sun and snow together was a small miracle.  I was thankful that Matt loved the winter so deeply, that each snowflake that falls will forever remind me of him.
Music that reminded me of my brother filled my ears all weekend long.  Instead of quickly turning it off, I let it transport me to times listening with Matt, but also I allowed it to enhance the present moment.  I am thankful that certain music will always make me feel close to my brother, that when I hear this music it will feel like Matt is saying, "It's ok sis."

White twinkle lights popped up this weekend.  They are on homes, line the streets of our town, and fill shop windows.  Instead of missing Matt hanging white lights all over his childhood bedroom, I am thankful that I had a brother that brought us such beautiful family memories.

I'm thankful for a break from fertility treatment.  These three months will allow my body to rest, and my spirit to grow strong again.  These months can be filled with enjoying things, and experiencing life in a way that I cannot when I am consumed by the process of IVF.

Matt was not present at the Thanksgiving table, and there was not a baby to be passed from one set of loving arms to another.  However, one of Matt's best friends, Jamie, and his father graced us with their presence and homemade wine.  Halfway through dinner, another set of neighbors rang our doorbell.  Chairs were added, and the conversation and laughter became more boisterous as the snowflakes continued to fall.  I was thankful that despite missing some, our holiday table was still filled with people I love.

When all of the dishes had been cleared and the pie had been eaten, Jamie took us to his barn to pet the horses, listen to music, and play darts.  Matt wasn't there, but his handwriting was on the bracket he made for a bags tournament, hanging on the wall in the shop, and his presence filled the night.  I was thankful that Matt shared his friends with us in a way that since he is gone, Colleen and I still feel that we have brothers.

Some years, Thanksgivings will look exactly as you want them to.  You will sit next to the love of your life, hold hands in prayer with your most precious family members, be healthy and strong, and feel that all is right with the world.  I've had years like those.  I believe that we will have them again.

I also believe, with every fiber of my being, that the Thanksgivings when life is not perfect, are the ones when you appreciate the beauty and blessings even more.  Snowflakes, Dave Matthews Band, white twinkle lights, and a whole lot of love meant more to me in 2014 than they ever have.

That depth, that richness, the beauty, the strength in this year...that is where my gratitude lies.

Just a little dancing and darts on Thanksgiving night - 2014

Soul Mates

If we are lucky, in our lifetime we will develop relationships with people who we think of as our soul mates.

Soul mate. noun. A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

A few people come to mind when I think of my soul mates; girlfriends, a very special man in my life, and my siblings.  Some might argue that each of us is only allotted one soul mate on this earth.  I would vehemently disagree.

I have girlfriends who know me better than I know myself.   They are like the first sips of red wine, when everything starts to feel calm and clear at the same time.  My sister makes me feel safe.  She is like a warm blanket and a cup of coffee.  My husband, he is my soul mate as we are counterparts....he balances me in ways that I never knew I needed before I met him.

My brother and I were soul mates because our most endearing traits made us love one another, and our worst traits we found funny.  He was like my favorite episode of Friends, played over and over.

When you are "ideally suited to another" you share memories that are vivid and beautiful years after they have happened, you have laughed harder than you thought you ever could, you crave time with that person, you are energized once you have it, and when it is gone you feel like you can't live without it.

To me, "ideally suited to another" means that you complement one another.

When that piece is gone, you are missing a part that made you a better version of yourself.  You knew something beautiful, pure, good, and perfect.  Once you've had that, it is hard to go on without.

Sometimes, Matt would squint his eyes, tilt his head and say to me, "What is it sis?  What's goin' on up there?  Just say it."  He called me out on thoughts I was having before they were fully put together in my mind.  I'd say the thought and he'd disagree, or we'd laugh, or we'd debate whatever I said. Towards the end of my time with him, he knew I was going to question him in his addiction.  He'd tell me I was crazy, to calm down, and that he was fine.  He promised he was OK.

Because I knew him so well, because we were soul mates, I knew he wasn't.

These last few weeks I've wanted to talk to him so badly it has hurt.  I've had thoughts, ideas, stories...life to share with him.  Different soul mates fill different corners of your soul.  The corner that he filled has felt immensely vacant lately.  I've needed his opinion, his jokes, his love of love, his positive spin on every single trial more than ever.

Even though that corner is vacant now, I am left better because it was once filled.  I wouldn't give that back to be relieved of the pain of losing him.  

Soul mates make us funnier, smarter, more beautiful...happier.  They enhance our lives in a way that keep us from ever feeling alone.

These people, these soul mates that God puts in our lives are a gift.  Whether it is a gift that lasts only for 27 short but sweet years, or one whose presence lasts a lifetime, they are pure joy.   They make us better.

I think it's important to remember our most perfect and truest soul mate is God.  He knows our hearts, minds, desires, needs, and pain better than any other.

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13

God is so great of a soul mate to us, knew us so well, was aware of the fall we would take, that he took it all for us.  He is our perfect soul mate.

He gave me my Matt, my sister, my beautiful friends, and my husband in my life to comfort, love, lift up, inspire, and complement my soul until I am with him in Heaven.

I will hold my husband close and dearly, he will know how much I appreciate him.  I will savor every sip of wine that accompanies sweet words exchanged with my girlfriends.  My sister and I will curl up under blankets on Saturday mornings, drink coffee, and laugh over the events of the night before.  I will recall every dance with Matt, every time he made me laugh, all of our joy with the knowledge that God gave me my brother, and all of my precious soul mates, to accompany me through this life until I am home again with Him.

One of my best dance partners...my brother, Matt.