Despite our productivity today, I had the underlying feeling of being "unsettled" while working through my to-do list. My colleague agreed. We discussed how perfectly the word "unsettled" described our state of mind.
It's hard to pinpoint exactly where this emotion came from amidst chatting friends, stacks of paper, coffee cups, chocolate, and a to-do list. We can blame it on the stress, that one particular student about to push us over the edge, an argument with a colleague, or the fact that our tasks are never truly finished. Or, we can accept that feeling for what it truly is.
I believe that the feeling of being unsettled comes from having an overwhelming amount of life events and factors that we cannot control.
I am certain that is where our discontentment came from today as we tackled curriculum, problem solved, dealt with student issues, and attempted to tread hard enough to keep our heads above the mounting end-of-the-year tasks.
I also know that we are each, as always, bringing our own set of uncontrollable issues with us to work each day. However, we have 20 plus children waiting for us, wanting to be entertained, nurtured and taught. We put on our cute, but functional teacher outfits, drink our Venti coffees, smile, and pretend for the hours that we are in front of our class that we have everything under control. As a teacher, we do have control. It is in our daily lives where we desperately reach for the ability to manage life as we would a math lesson.
The biggest control issue that I have in my life right now is the fact that I cannot control or create the happiness and joy that I so desperately wish for my family. I can't control when and if I become pregnant, I cannot take away my parent's pain over losing their son, I can't manage my sister's life for her, I cannot stop the waves of grief that still hit us full force on a daily basis. These are simply out of my control.
There is such a multitude of issues that we wish to control and cannot. Will we find the perfect house, or when will construction be finished? Will the newest treatment the doctors recommend work? Will my spouse and I ever find a common ground? When will that perfect job be offered? Will my friend/co-worker/family member ever see the pain that they are causing me and apologize? Could I PLEASE just get some sleep? These are daily issues that we battle, pray for, and hope to find resolution, yet that end result can never come fast enough.
Maybe instead of wrestling with trying to find answers, control, and soothe our unsettled hearts, we need to sit back and enjoy life for the unfolding story that it is. I know firsthand that anything I believed with certainty would be, or thought that I had absolute reign over the outcome has happened much differently than I believed it would.
A year ago next weekend, we lost our first and strongest pregnancy. I was ready to jump back into treatments immediately. We did for awhile, but then I needed a break. If you had told me 12 months ago that I would still not be pregnant a year later, I would have lost my mind. However, that has not been something I have been able to fix, remedy, make better, or to control.
If you had told me 12 months ago, that we were going to move out of our house, tear the roof off, add a second story and move back in, I also would have lost my mind. But as I sit my sun room to write, and look around at all that we have accomplished, I know that if we had been pregnant this addition that was my husband's dream would have been almost impossible.
I was so unsettled about my brother's addiction, for so many months. I wanted to lock him in our house, control his every move, and manage his life to keep him safe. God had other plans, and knew that Matt's safest place was with him in Heaven. There was nothing I could do to control my brother's addiction.
The moral of the story is that when we feel most unsettled, that might be when God is doing his biggest and greatest works in our lives. His answers are not always what we wish them to be, or do they come in the time that we want.
What will He do next? What does our future hold? We wouldn't be able to handle the knowledge of impending pain, so it is better if we do not. Surprises are better unspoiled, so let's anticipate the gift of life and all that it offers us. Let's find a solace in relinquishing control. We can hand that burden over, it's not in our hands, the responsibility is not ours.
I also know that we are each, as always, bringing our own set of uncontrollable issues with us to work each day. However, we have 20 plus children waiting for us, wanting to be entertained, nurtured and taught. We put on our cute, but functional teacher outfits, drink our Venti coffees, smile, and pretend for the hours that we are in front of our class that we have everything under control. As a teacher, we do have control. It is in our daily lives where we desperately reach for the ability to manage life as we would a math lesson.
The biggest control issue that I have in my life right now is the fact that I cannot control or create the happiness and joy that I so desperately wish for my family. I can't control when and if I become pregnant, I cannot take away my parent's pain over losing their son, I can't manage my sister's life for her, I cannot stop the waves of grief that still hit us full force on a daily basis. These are simply out of my control.
There is such a multitude of issues that we wish to control and cannot. Will we find the perfect house, or when will construction be finished? Will the newest treatment the doctors recommend work? Will my spouse and I ever find a common ground? When will that perfect job be offered? Will my friend/co-worker/family member ever see the pain that they are causing me and apologize? Could I PLEASE just get some sleep? These are daily issues that we battle, pray for, and hope to find resolution, yet that end result can never come fast enough.
Maybe instead of wrestling with trying to find answers, control, and soothe our unsettled hearts, we need to sit back and enjoy life for the unfolding story that it is. I know firsthand that anything I believed with certainty would be, or thought that I had absolute reign over the outcome has happened much differently than I believed it would.
A year ago next weekend, we lost our first and strongest pregnancy. I was ready to jump back into treatments immediately. We did for awhile, but then I needed a break. If you had told me 12 months ago that I would still not be pregnant a year later, I would have lost my mind. However, that has not been something I have been able to fix, remedy, make better, or to control.
If you had told me 12 months ago, that we were going to move out of our house, tear the roof off, add a second story and move back in, I also would have lost my mind. But as I sit my sun room to write, and look around at all that we have accomplished, I know that if we had been pregnant this addition that was my husband's dream would have been almost impossible.
I was so unsettled about my brother's addiction, for so many months. I wanted to lock him in our house, control his every move, and manage his life to keep him safe. God had other plans, and knew that Matt's safest place was with him in Heaven. There was nothing I could do to control my brother's addiction.
The moral of the story is that when we feel most unsettled, that might be when God is doing his biggest and greatest works in our lives. His answers are not always what we wish them to be, or do they come in the time that we want.
What will He do next? What does our future hold? We wouldn't be able to handle the knowledge of impending pain, so it is better if we do not. Surprises are better unspoiled, so let's anticipate the gift of life and all that it offers us. Let's find a solace in relinquishing control. We can hand that burden over, it's not in our hands, the responsibility is not ours.
Instead of allowing ourselves to feel unsettled, we can try to view our lack of control with gratitude and expectant hearts.
