"There are moments that the words don't reach. There is a grace too powerful to name. We push away what we can never understand. We push away the unimaginable." -Hamilton, "It's Quiet Uptown"
I know that I was moved by the plot, the courage and intelligence of our forefathers, the forgiveness and grace of Hamilton's wife, and tragedy of loss of love and life that was also an underlying theme of the musical. However, my tears also fell because of the sheer awe I felt of the talent and creativity that exists in our world, that brings us such beauty, opens our minds, and moves us to the point of overwhelming emotion. I cried for the experience of the performance and knew that witnessing such talent, on so many levels, was life-changing.
So many more experiences, on a deeper or more substantial level have changed my life, in joyful and painful ways.
As a young child, having my brother and sister enter our family made me a big sister for life. This is a blessing and a title I carry proudly. I am the older sister of two people who I adore and am immensely proud of. They are siblings and best friends.
Moving towns and making new friendships twice broadened my little world and expanded my circle of friends. My life was made richer by these varied living experiences. I have been lucky enough to live in my beloved city of Chicago as a child and an adult, the North Shore also as a child and adult, and the northern suburb of Wauconda. These are three very different, but very special places to me as I assimilate to all three, and feel at home in each environment.
I grew up knowing and loving the Lord, but as an adolescent, a devoted friend invited me to his father's church. He picked me up in his family's minivan every Sunday morning and we sat in the front row while his father taught me on a deeper level than my Catholic upbringing had about Jesus. I avidly took notes and sang my heart out to non-denominational Christian songs. I joined the youth group and went on mission trips. My high school friend, by making the effort to welcome me into his family's church, helped my life to change by bringing me closer and into a mature relationship with God.
I would be remiss to not mention the life-changing experience of living and studying in another country for a semester my junior year in college. How could I not be changed after spending Valentine's Day in Paris, St. Patrick's day in Dublin, and Easter Sunday in Rome? I had my luggage stolen from a British train, ran along the ocean shores of Wales, hiked in the Swiss Alps, spent hours in the museums of Prague, fell in love with London, and spent an entire day is reverent silence as I toured the concentration camp of Auschwitz. While I probably put my poor father on the verge of a heart attack with each e-mail home detailing my European adventures, I was blessed to be supported through such an eye-opening, soul enriching experience and I am forever grateful.
On a chilly November night in 2005, I knew that my life and heart were forever changed when a tall and handsome younger brother of one of my best girlfriends walked into Joe's Bar on Weed Street, bought me way too many rounds of my favorite cocktail, and danced with me all night to my favorite country songs played by the cover band. We were engaged within a year and a half and married seven months later on a snowy day in December. Jeremiah loves laughter, has an unwavering moral compass, is ridiculously kind, and fiercely loyal. I love what Jeremiah stands for. Having a spouse is life-changing, having a spouse like that is life-enhancing.
I was fundamentally changed as a woman when I became a fertility patient. Every needle, pill, check-up, blood draw, painful procedure, disappointing phone call from my nurse, uncomfortable side-effect, my two D&C's, blighted ovum-miscarriage-biochemical pregnancies broke my heart a little bit. These experiences also taught me most of what I now know about perseverance, and faith in God's timing. Becoming a fertility patient sure as hell made me tough.
My life was changed forever the Sunday morning that my father rang my doorbell, sat across the breakfast table, reached for my hand, and told me that my beautiful little brother had gone to be with the Lord. There is literally not one, single hour that I do not think of Matt, how much I love and miss him, and how different life would be if he were still here with us. I miss him with a consistency that might never fade. Matt changed my life for the good when he was born, and his absence created an ever-present longing.
I've been changed by education, hobbies, experiences, travel, music, and interactions with others. I've been altered by love; love lost and love that still remains. I've made mistakes that have changed my heart and soul with consequences that I never deemed possible in the moment. However, I stand by the age-old belief that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I also believe that every mistake, every misstep, every falter in our character creates deeper and more beautiful souls. Those mistakes must be embraced and carried with us not as scars, but as increased wisdom.
Yesterday morning, I was awakened not by the rain pounding on my roof, but by the slight but sweet little kicks and punches of our baby boy inside of me, letting me know that he is there. I love feeling him move, wondering what body part it is that I am feeling, picturing his little body and how he is growing every day, stronger and stronger, so much that I feel him on a consistent basis. I think of him, and who this little person will be. As of right now, he seems like he might love dancing, soccer, or even boxing based on his movement. My greatest hope is that he is kind, loves Jesus, and knows how much his father and I prayed and wished for him.
In that moment, I realized that of all the life-changing moments and experiences, becoming a mom and nurturing this little life will be my most profound and is my greatest gift. My life will be changed forever when I become a mother. Yes, I will forever be Matt and Colleen's big sister, a Chicago girl at heart, a U of I and DePaul graduate, Jeremiah's wife, a lover of travel and music and tennis and friends and family, an educator, and all of the other identities I carry based on my experiences. However, I am adding a new name and a new title to that list and it will take precedence over all else besides "follower of God".
I know that God orchestrates our life events. The painful, wonderful, and life altering are part of his divine plan, shaping us for who we are meant to be. That is comforting to me as I look back on the past three decades. I am confident that every life-changing event was really a stepping stone taking me to where I am now, to where I am meant to go, and that so many of those moments were creating me to be the mother I am meant to be.
Of all my life-changing experiences, becoming a mother is the one that I really cannot imagine or have any expectations of, except that I will feel extreme love. I knew the songs of Hamilton ahead of time, I packed a suitcase and had big dreams for a semester in another country, played with my baby dolls in preparation for becoming a big sister, and did the required pre-marital counseling required of becoming a wife. All of our birth classes, nursery prep, baby showers, and lovingly bestowed advice cannot prepare for me for what I will feel when I first see our son's face.
I'm OK with that. I prayed for this little boy for a VERY long time. I know that the way he changes my life will be inexplicably beautiful, that God has it figured out, and that this little miracle baby will amaze me a million times more that Hamilton ever could.
I'm ready for the change.
Hamilton
April 11, 2017
