The Little Things

My brother Matt was 27, a law student at Dayton University, a lover of basketball, the Cubs, his family and friends, and he knew and loved the Lord.  These are some of the few facts that were shared about Matthew in his obituary.  While those sentiments are true and lovely, and the picture of him was so handsome, his person, his being was so much more.  

Matt was something special to each of us, but in his own way.  The way that I loved Matt is different from the way my mom loved him, how his friends knew him, how his teammates viewed him, his classmates perceived him, etc.  We all have a different perspective on his life.  Each of us could contribute special memories, anecdotes, or insight into his short but beautiful life.

While Matt was not perfect (none of us are) he certainly was a force.  When he walked into the room, his presence filled it.  He was funny, intelligent, handsome, loud, extreme, loving, powerful, opinionated...he was our Matt.

However, these sentiments about Matt, that so many of us share are very "big" statements.

"He was hilarious."
"He made everything fun."
"He was a risk-taker."
"He loved his family more than anything." 

After awhile, these "big" statements will start to sound cliche.  What I miss now are the things about Matt that made him different from everyone else.  We all have these traits, characteristics, mannerisms, tendencies, etc.  I miss Matt and his uniqueness and the little things.

*Years ago, my sister gave him a Bonsai tree for his apartment.  He loved it.  He did such a good job taking care of it, that it multiplied and needed to be re-potted to bigger and bigger pots.  It eventually ended in a pot that was so big that it needed a little cart with wheels so that it could be transported.  Matt put his Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles in the dirt of the pot.  There, his childhood toys were, fighting it out beneath his ridiculously monstrous Bonsai tree.  He was a man-child.

*I loved going to Matt's basketball games, especially when he was in college.  I was so proud of him.  I can still see him standing and facing the flag for the national anthem.  He would stand with his hands clasped behind his back and sway his hips from side to side, almost like a bell.  He really wanted to jump up and down, get going, and get the game started, but instead he had to sway from side to side.  Matt was "jacked up" about everything in his life.

*He was obsessed with Michael Jackson.  In 2009, when MJ died, Matt watched the entire funeral coverage from beginning to end.  He made us listen to Michael that whole summer.  When he went to see "This Is It" in the theaters, he cried a little.  I very clearly remember him dancing to "Heal the World" with the dog in the living room that July of 2009.  He loved to dance, and Michael Jackson was the master at it.

*Matt was pretty mad when he found out that he wasn't going to be Jeremiah's best man in our wedding.  He didn't understand that Jeremiah actually had a best friend, who he had known for much longer than Matt that had clearly earned the spot of best man.  Matt thought that being the bride's brother entitled him to be best man.  We had to explain to him that it did not, and as a consolation, I made him an arm band with BB (best brother) and a lightning bolt on it.  Thank goodness he didn't wear the arm band over his tux jacket at the wedding.  He really did believe that family "trumped" everything.

*Matt was extreme at everything.  He fell out of trees, broke his wrist multiple times snowboarding, jumped out of our treehouse onto the trampoline, rode his bike off the pier into the pond, fell on his head doing a slam dunk, tried to max out the speedometer on his car, rode a mountain bike down the ski hills in Vail, he and his friends burned matching marks into their arms...the list goes on and there are surely more examples and it is better that we do not know them.

*Matt was obsessed with Christmas.  He played the Charlie Brown Christmas album on repeat, decorated his bedroom with white lights, saved all of his birthday money from his December 19th birthday to buy presents that he thought were better and more thoughtful than anyone else's, wore Christmas socks, and sang the loudest at Christmas Eve candlelight service.  Christmas will always remind me of him.

*He was an organizer.  He put together Kentucky Derby trips, limos to DMB concerts, Hawaiian luaus in our backyard, bonfires, birthday parties, and a multitude of parties just for the sheer excuse of having a good time and being together.

*Matt thought he could rap.  In Mr. Mustang, the high school's male "beauty pageant", he rapped the segment that was meant to be a letter to his parents.

In late December, back in 1985, my parents Tom and Kim were blessed with a surprise.  In the form of a gigglin' dribblin' little baby...and let me tell you man, this kid he was crazy! 

*He called me sis, Julia Corning (my maiden name) when he was annoyed with me, Gia, Ju-ju, and Jules.

*Our song was by Mr. Big, "To Be With You".  I don't know why.  We must have danced together to it once, and ever after that he said it was our song.

*When we were kids, one day I came home from school and my mom informed me that I was absolutely not allowed to go in Matt's room.  He needed some alone time.  Matt had found every outrageous pink item of clothing that was available to him, and was trying it on.  Of course I disobeyed my mom and snuck a peek.  At the moment that I found him, he was wearing a pink snowsuit and a pink tutu.  He had two older sisters, and wanted to see what all the fuss was.  It turns out, it wasn't that interesting, and only lasted for an afternoon.  He went back to trucks, GI Joe, guns made out of legos, and basketball the next day.  He was a true guys-guy.

As his oldest sister, I adored my baby brother.  I held him gently and kissed his face when he was a baby, called him Mattie-fattie and pinched his cheeks when he was a toddler, locked him in the basement as his babysitter when he was in elementary school, ignored him when he was in middle school, was one of his biggest fans in the bleachers when he was in high school, partied with him when he was in college, and was one of his best friends as he became an adult.

My memories of Matt are mine.  These are the moments, the times, the character traits of him that made him Matt to me.  No one else is part of him and I dancing and singing Mr. Big to each other at my wedding.  No one was there when I wrapped my arms around him and told him that no matter how mad he was, I knew that he would never hurt me, and that I was going to hold on to him until he agreed to go to rehab.  I am the one who stood by his side when we went to get him 60 days later and held his arm, I didn't care who wanted to hug him good-bye.  Only Matt knows the words we exchanged as he was in recovery, my fear, his pain, my unconditional love for him.  Thank God that I told him.

These memories of Matt, the things that made him who he was, the real memories...they are priceless.  They are real, and true, and good.  There was a richness to our life as a family that will never go away.

The lyrics to a song by Passenger have brought me to tears, have comforted me, and have reminded me of a simple truth;

If we had not had Matthew in our lives, each and every one of us, our life would not be as full as it is now.  The pain of losing him is worth the beauty that we had.  Our memories may be varied and special to us as individual family members and friends, but they are the story of our lives...of his life.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Listen to Passenger here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrGq-pSvZg8