Matt has been gone now for five months. Every night, I have prayed to have a soothing dream about him, to hear his voice, see his blue eyes, talk to him...to be reassured that he is ok. I am able to suppress the trauma and fear that is associated with addiction for the majority of my days, but it seems to come forth full force in my sleep.
I have had extremely frightening and disturbing dreams about my beautiful little brother during these past months following his death. They leave me reeling, and make the early morning hours that much more difficult to face.
Several weeks ago, I decided that I had had enough. Why couldn't I ask for something better? Many of my loved ones have had dreams of Matt dancing, at Wrigley Field, hanging out with Jesus, peaceful and happy. I wanted it to be my turn. Each night, as I put my book on the bedside table, turn off the light, and settle under my blankets, I find myself practically begging God to let me have time with Matt.
Last night, after weeks of fervent prayer, God granted me my wish.
I dreamt that I was at school, teaching as if it were a normal day. I knew that something exciting was coming, but I didn't know what it was. Suddenly, at my classroom door, Matt appeared. Jeremiah had brought him to me. I cannot fully describe the peace that surrounded Matt, but he was clearly not afflicted by any sort of addiction or pain. He had a sense of calm, but also happiness.
He was in his jeans, a checkered shirt, his eyes were clear, and his hair was done the way he wore it before he went away to law school. He was smiling. He let me hug him repeatedly, and then hold his arm and put my hand on his chest. He let me hold on to him, and I know that he was laughing. I can't recall the words that we exchanged, but he knew how much I loved him, and how happy I was to see him.
Matt then let me introduce him to some of my most important people at work; my teammate Kelly and her husband Ralph, and my other teammate Jessica. They were beaming at him. Kelly told him that it was an honor to meet him.
I don't remember how the dream ended, but I am ok with that. I woke up suddenly at 11:15, and knew with certainty that God had answered my prayer. I dreamt about Matt in a way that made me feel peaceful, and allowed me to be with him again.
Is there significance behind the details of this dream? I am certainly not one to interpret, or put meaning into the our everyday dreams. This one however, was different to me.
Three years ago, Matt did visit my classroom. He came to meet my students, and talk to them about the importance of following their dreams. He read the "The Salt In His Shoes", the story about Michael Jordan as a child, showed them his academic and varsity letters from high school and newspaper articles written about him for basketball, and talked about how he would be going to law school in the fall. It was the second to last day of school, and I was trying to find ways to fill the hours. Matt loved kids, and I knew he would get a kick out of meeting my 4th graders.
We had the most wonderful time, and I was so proud to have him visit me. I remember introducing him to my friends in the teacher's lounge, and the way in which he charmed them in only an introduction. The kids were in love with him. It was a special day for me, for both of us. The dream reminded me of those precious hours.
Jeremiah has had to "talk me off the ledge" numerous times over the loss of Matt. He has been the one to remind me of the deliverance of Matt from pain and addiction. He has held me and comforted me. He has distracted me from my pain by finding simple ways to bring joy into our life. He has encouraged me to look for joy despite my pain. In the dream, him bringing Matt to me in a peaceful and happy state is very appropriate. He has "brought Matt to me" in that light through our numerous conversations.
Finally, my teammates and dear friends Kelly and Jessica, have seen me almost every day since I have lost my brother. The only other person who has spent that much time with me is my husband. Because of this, they have witnessed the progression of my grief, but also learned about Matt without ever knowing him. They have supported and loved me as I have navigated this very rocky path of recovering a significant loss.
I have often wished that they could have spent time with Matt, or even a few moments, as by loving me so sweetly, they have loved him. I have wanted them to know the person they were helping me to grieve for. In my dream, they were finally able to meet him. It reminded me that as my life progresses, others can meet my larger-than-life brother through my memories and stories of him, and through the similarities that he and I shared....we had so many.
The most important lesson in this beautiful dream lies not in the dream itself, but in the answer of my prayer. I have a somewhat extensive list of requests that I bring to God on a daily basis lately, some of them have been going on for quite some time. Last night, He reminded me that He will answer prayers, but on His time and in His way. This small request of a special dream being granted reminded me to be hopeful in the knowledge that God is present in my life, loving and caring for me, and listening to desires and wishes of my heart.
I woke up this morning with a newfound hope and peace. I saw my brother happy, healthy, and living. I was reminded that God is listening to my whispers, pleading, hoping, and wishing. Today, for first time in many mornings, I have excitement about what He will do next.
June, 2011 - Matt visits the 4th Grade
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