My First Mother's Day

When I open my laptop I am greeted by a screensaver that is a sonogram picture of my son at seven months in utero.  It is his profile and his lips are pursed and resemble little butterfly wings.  After I enter the password to my computer, the screen saver changes to a picture of my husband and I on our front porch, his hand on my seven-month pregnant belly, both of us smiling into the camera.  In this picture, I was blissfully pregnant, and my husband was immeasurably relieved.  We were soon to be welcoming a baby boy into the world and after years of infertility, seven months pregnant was a stage we feared we might not ever see. 

Mother's Day was a holiday that greeted us when I was also seven months pregnant.  I received my first two Mother's Day gifts that weekend and numerous phone calls and texts from friends and family wishing me well.  While I was full of joy, relief, hope, anticipation, and excitement to become a new mom, these wishes felt premature.  I felt undeserving.

Looking back on previous Mother's Day weekends, there was often pain.  Yes, I have a beautiful mother to celebrate, but my heart's greatest desire was to become a mother myself.

In the spring of 2016, I vowed to make the day about my mom and grandma in an effort to not think about my recent pregnancy loss and infertility.  I planned and prepared a beautiful brunch, had a clean house and a perfectly set table, my lilac bushes were in full bloom, and I had a new pink dress.  None of those fun and frivolous distractions mattered when, at church that morning, one of the well-meaning ladies attempted to give me the Mother's Day gift given to all women in the congregation that day.  I choked back a sob, pushed it away, and excused myself to run to the ladies' room. That Sunday morning, I also felt undeserving.

This year at church, I held my son on one hip, and happily accepted the Mother's Day gift of a carnation.  I sang praise songs with my whole heart.  The entire day, or weekend for that matter, was filled with celebration. I opened cards from family, received a beautiful gift from my husband, arranged roses in my favorite vase, drank champagne and toasted motherhood with my mom and grandma, indulged in my favorite brunch foods, and best of all, spent time with my son and my husband - as a family of three.

As a new mom, I have to be honest and say that this past Mother's Day, I still struggled with feeling undeserving of this attention and gratitude.

I have not yet been through the trials that so many women experience in motherhood.  I am one of those annoying women who loved every minute of pregnancy.  While labor was REALLY hard, I also thought it was amazing.  I am aware that this is also very annoying.  I have a healthy baby boy and when people ask me if he is an easy baby, while I have nothing to compare it to, I can only truthfully answer that yes, he is.

How am I deserving of the accolades and appreciation that other women who have endured immensely greater challenges in motherhood are given on this special day?  I have done and experienced far less.

As we passed slices of my favorite cake around the brunch table this past Sunday afternoon, my mom wanted to close the meal with some of her own wisdom on motherhood.

"Honey," she said in her thoughtfully serious voice. "I want you to know that there has been no greater joy in my life than being a mom to you, your brother, and sister.  I would not change that for anything.  Even if I had known that I was going to lose my son, I would not change being a mom for anything."  

She then repeated, "Being a mom has been my greatest joy."

Although it has only been nine months, one week, and 5 days, being a mom has been MY greatest joy.  

I was encouraged to hear from my mom, that despite enduring the greatest heartache a mother can experience, she still counts motherhood as her greatest joy.

All mothers are deserving of Mother's Day celebrations, as they are brave in accepting the responsibility of motherhood despite the knowledge of unforeseen pain.  We do it all because this is in exchange for our greatest joy.

As a new mom, my bravery lies in my effort to become a mother.  Five years ago, if you had told me what I would encounter in the world of infertility and in my effort to have a child, I would still accept the challenge wholeheartedly.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

When future challenges arise while I am a parent, which they certainly will, I know that I will still say that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

I would climb the mountain, cry the tears, see the doctors, take the shots and undergo the procedures, endure the losses, and face the unknown all over again to hold my son that perfect minute he entered the world, to kiss his little head, to feel his fingers curl around mine, and to see him smile at me each morning.  I would not change being his mom for anything.  Being a mom has been my greatest joy.

Mothers are all deserving of Mother's Day celebrations - whether it is our first or our fiftieth - in a time of parental joy or pain - for our own personal journey, the challenges we have accepted, and for our bravery in motherhood.