Keep On Dreaming

Late last fall, after a year long hiatus, I was able to listen to music again without relating each song to a memory with my brother or a lyric to my grief.  I downloaded Pandora onto my new iPhone, and fell in love again with the artists and songs that filled my ears.  Over the last few months of construction on my house, as I've painted every square inch of our new rooms, I've felt inspired and touched again by music.  Dave, Van Morrison, David Gray, Norah Jones, Ron Pope, Coldplay, and more country artists than I care to admit have sang to me as Pistachio Cream, Mystic Blue, and Slate Gray were rolled onto the walls of my new home and many of my favorite hoodies.

One country song in particular has popped up several times over the last few weeks.  Eli Young Band's "Even If It Breaks Your Heart" has played more times than most on my favorite station.

Some dreams stay with you forever,

Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.  

Some dreams keep on gettin' better,

Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

In that powerful, yet unexpected way that a song can grip you, this one has held me.  

As children, we dream of what we will become when we "grow up".  We dream of falling in love, becoming heroes, joining the ranks of the famous and powerful, or simply being happy.  When we are young and innocent, we can't fathom that a dream will break our hearts.  

I certainly had dreams that came true, and also have some that have not yet come to fruition.  Some are realistic, some are more far fetched.  I dreamed of becoming a teacher, and I am able to type this in the quiet of classroom 211 while my 5th graders are in music class.  I also dreamed that I would become a mom.  I haven't yet opened my eyes to this as a reality.  

This next month will be my last opportunity to try to conceive with one of my own eggs.  It will be our eighth, and doctor recommended, final attempt.  If this time does not work, I will have to alter my dream of motherhood.  It can still come true, but in a way that my seven-year old self did not imagine as I lovingly rocked my baby dolls to sleep and tucked them into doll-sized cribs.  I am at peace with this because I know that in some way, somehow, I will become a mother.  

In dreaming these past few years of becoming a mother, my heart has been broken.  But just as Eli Young Band's song encourages, I couldn't let the dream go.  Even though it breaks my heart, I believe in it.  

As I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes each night, or my mind wanders while grading papers, or my heart yearns while listening to music, I know that each dream I have, even those that break my heart, are worthy of keeping.  God put those dreams on my heart for a reason.  It would be foolish to let them go.  

At 34, I have my life ahead of me.  Maybe losing my 27-year old brother caused me to believe that I have less years than are truly there.  As I heal, I am realizing that most of us will live to our 28th, 37th, 59th, and 80th years...maybe more.  If I want to become a writer, I have time.  If my sister wants to be an orchestral musician, she has years to continue auditioning.  Matt wanted to become a lawyer, and he believed in it until the day he left us.  

I want to be a mom, and I won't let it go.  My quiet dreams, the ones I keep to myself, I have decades to work to bring them to reality.  If it hurts, they were that important.

Pray about it.  

Write about it.  

Daydream about it.  

Love and cherish it.  

Let it bring you happiness, hoping for it.  

Never let it go.   Even if it breaks your heart.  

If a dream breaks your heart, it's because it meant enough to have that effect on you.  It was, and is worth it. 

   

Listen to: "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"